Does Life really change at the age of 33?

2069th BLOG POST

We know how digital marketing works these days. It understands everything about you and shows you contents/advertisements and everything crafted for you. Somehow, the Internet knows my age and I remember finding many videos in my timeline telling how life changes at the age of 33. I am 33 now. I got excited and watched couple of them. Well, they were more from a spiritual perspective where it told how things happen within us- which - if we acknowledge can help us grow spiritually better. Well, that’s good but I think there’s many other things that are happening with me at this age. I am struggling with 1000 of emotions occurring every second within me. It makes me feel restless, hopeless, confused and what not. I think this is what people call as mid-life crisis. Well, that’s a different story that these days even college pass-out students have started feeling the same due to multiple things their peers are doing whereas they are struggling to understand what they actually need to do in their life/career.

 

I am someone who has always felt proud of the fact that I don’t feel loneliness. Actually, I don’t. That’s in my personality. That’s how my core system functions. It is at its best whenever it finds itself alone. The moment my sensors identify that my space and personal life is getting tampered, it starts giving me red signals. In the modern language, red flags. I just start waiting for the time when I would be back alone to do stuffs I like doing or just sit in peace and think about various aspects – write down my journal, diary or just scribble a shayari/poetry and share it with my folks on social media and go to sleep listening to an audio/music helping me generate positive thoughts. But lately, I have started getting frustrated with my own company. I just feel running away from myself. I don’t know what is it and I am finding it hard to manage.

 

I am hating myself so much that I don’t like anything I do or even, achieve. I was in a Job which I was enjoying. Suddenly, I started getting frustrated for something which otherwise I love – traveling. I got a new job – first time I am working in a corporate structure with one of the biggest institutions of India. I thought that I would feel satisfactory here. It has been a month and I still don’t feel at ease. There’s a sense of incompleteness. I got a pay-package I was aspiring since long – an amount that all of us crave for since we start working. I got my first salary. Even that didn’t excite me. This is so bloody unlike me. I am not like this at all. I am someone who celebrates even the smallest of things.

 

Earlier, when I read books, I felt great. Now, when I read books, I feel like watching a Podcast. The moment I start watching it, I feel like watching a series. When I watching that, I feel I should be working on a Certification course. When I am doing it, I feel like I should be spending time with people. When I do that, I feel I should be alone and work upon my Me-stuffs. When I do that, I feel why am I alone. I don’t know if this is a form of a stress or depression but whatever this is, it is not a happy feeling at all. I am crying and worrying for no reasons. There’s nothing wrong in my life but still.

 

Similarly, all the people I love are the same people I am not wanting to express my love anymore. I know they are my people and I need to be loving them. I try doing it but a voice within me asks me to wait and see how much love do I get from them before giving. And the problem with any kind of relationship is that the moment you start calculating the transactions to know how much you got in return, it starts getting ruined. I have stopped expressing my love at all. The people I shared virtual hugs or kisses have completely stopped. The people I would give gifts have stopped. The people I wanted to meet have stopped. I don’t find reasons to ask my friends out. I even don’t talk much at home. I have stopped calling people on their birthdays. I have even stopped picking lot of phones. How is this happening? Why is this happening? Why is my EGO over-powering me?

 

And as we know life is funny, from the moment I have started feeling this, even people are not leaving a single mark in disappointing me and making me believe more – that - it’s better not to gel with anyone. Someone is not making efforts in meeting me. Someone is not calling me at all knowing how much I like talking to them. Someone I am giving hints to see me once is not understanding it. Someone is blaming me for something I have not done intentionally. Someone is hiding about their life’s important events with me knowing how much I like getting involved in such processes. Someone who promised would meet me is traveling my city and going back without even letting me know once. How can all of this happen at once- my system holding me back and – simultaneously - people assuring that they don’t make efforts in maintaining relationship with me?

 

I am unsure if this happens at 33 or not. Hating others is okay for once (Haha!) but having the same feeling for myself is really worrying me because this has never happened earlier. I am unable to make decisions. I have to buy a phone but even with offers in place, I am not able to proceed ahead. I want to give best at my work but I am just spending time and leave. I am wanting to create videos but I don’t wish to make any efforts. I wish to explore my city after office hours but I am directly driving back to home. I am in doubt if this is because of loneliness. But how can that be possible? It has been my only weapon to handle everything till now. How can it become my weakness all of a sudden? I don’t trust in the institution of marriage anymore. My process knows that – but - a thought creeps in that it must be happening with everyone after 30 which is why people marry and have someone with whom they can share all- good and bad moments – and such vulnerable moments too. Thankfully, this occurs as a momentary thought but leaves as soon as I read what’s happening with boys in India in terms of false cases.

 

Something needs to work but nothing is working. Even meditation and spirituality are not giving any pleasures. This should be one of the most satisfying days for me as I had good traveling week recently. I visited some great places. Clicked good photos. Got great family and individual pictures too. Got a great job with expected package. Made new buddies. Parents are doing well in their lives. It’s just that my thoughts are not stable. I am ending up ruining my peace as well as relationships. Reason why I have stopped chatting or talking with my favorite people. I don’t know till when it will continue. I just hope it happens only up till I am 33. Haha! That’s the only wish. Maybe, I will write more blog posts in this vulnerable situation so that anyone of you going through the same may know that you are not alone. And also, when I get better, I know what I went through so that if it happens again, I know that I got over this in past. Hmmm…

 

Thanks!

 

WRITING BUDDHA