My Meditative Musings 1

1966th BLOG POST

What is it that makes us right? Or wrong? Or somewhere in between? Isn’t it all about perceptions? I go into flashbacks often and see my life in a linear phase where I did certain activities – some of them I am very proud of whereas some of them I am completely ashamed of. But when it was happening – when I was in the process, everything seemed and sounded to me like an ideal execution from my end. I didn’t find anyone right except myself. I was the God of my own World. Then I suddenly get shifted to the present. I see myself. I see my activities. I see my actions. I see my thoughts. And I try becoming the 3^rd person for myself. And then I get scared to find that certain decisions I am taking seems to be very self-obsessed or one-dimensional. I see the short-term happiness I am acquiring from them. I see the absence of long-term vision in them.

 

All I find myself doing is calculations. Calculations of what could go right and what could go wrong. Calculations about the upward or downward trend of my progress starting from my present to my future. I then find several goals I am trying to balance and nothing of which is making me happy. I see my health and compare it with what I was – and then I realize the improvement is almost negligible. This makes me lose confidence in it. I also see financial capabilities that I have and what I may achieve after a certain point of time. I then go into the flashback and see how much savings or investment I have achieved till now. I see that whatever was done has gone or about to go. Then I think about what will happen to my financial goals if some uncertainty arises later which can take me back to zero.

 

I check the relationships I have. I see that these are far too less than what I had. Then I reminisce about how I used to die for my friends – even fight with my parents for them but where are they? When did they get lost? When did they go so far that we haven’t contacted in years? How did this happen? And then I see the people I am currently comfortable with – I might go to any level for them. But then I think will they be part of my future too. What if I lose everyone I have today and end up being lonely – the way I once ended up being. How many times will I have to checkmate myself and make it conscious of the risks associated with everything I have done, doing and will do.

 

Life will remain to be a question. A question where you’ll keep doubting yourself – a question where you’ll keep judging yourself – a question which will always scare you – a question which will always question you. How much do you survive against it is then called the experience of living life. The whole life will always be about survival against yourself- your emotions – your gestures – your actions – your decisions and their outcome – which is in whose hand will never be known. But these questions that keep interfering you in your journey is a traffic where you have to watch the signals – accept the blockage – and move whenever you are allowed to move – where it will take you will always be the mystery – but this mystery is worth living for.

 

P.S.: I have written this just as the thoughts kept coming to me. Writing this has been a meditative experience and I hope I keep sharing these personal musings quite often than not posting anything at all except reviews.

 

Thanks.

 

WRITING BUDDHA