1845th BLOG POST -->>
I read Neha's book "How much is too much? : Divorce in India" during the lockdown phase and I was so moved about the subject of divorce and what women goes through during marriage and even during the process of divorce and post it that it made me ask her for an interview. She has given each and every answer as detailed as possible which shall help everyone going through this interview understand the complexity and seriousness of this topic.
1. Hi Neha, please do let us know how you landed up becoming a writer
in the first place.
My journey
has been long and extremely difficult over last 2 decades. I realised I had so
much to say and contribute, once I made peace with myself about my marital
failure and still found strength to rise. I always wanted to tell my story, as
I really felt it was a journey that tested every single semblance of my core
being, so I started writing in 2016 but it was rather slow and painful. Also I
was amazed to realise that marriage was supposed to just be a segment of one’s
life but how impactful it really was in India. For the longest time, I felt my
decision to leave and heal was highly stagnated due to the societal
complications and had I not found the courage, I perhaps would not have
survived this.
In 2018, I heard about demise of someone who was
known to me, due to domestic violence & emotional trauma. She apparently
committed suicide by jumping off her residence rooftop. Highly successful &
independent, financially very well-off, extremely beautiful & a super
strong woman - but she found jumping off a 4-storied building easier than
taking a step towards separation or a divorce. Something about it shook me to
reality that while I escaped a disastrous end, many might not. We women get to
the edge and lose that belief that we can overcome bad marriages. We lose that
hope that even if, things are not working out in our marriages/relationships,
it is not the end of life. Often we don't know who to turn to for advice and
for consolation that it would all be fine no matter how bad is the situation. We
just need to look at this differently and find that courage to change our
life’s course.
I decided to finish the book and touch some
relevant topics, so even if I could save one life, it would serve its purpose.
By stating my own experience, I am hoping to ease it out for those who fear the
unexpected. I don't advocate divorces, I advocate choices that women can make
and should.
2. Please tell us something about your first book- “How much is too
much? : Divorce in India”.
This book is a self-help guide to understand
what to do when you feel stuck in a bad marriage or a relationship. This tells
you about my personal experiences, mistakes made due to the inability to gauge
my relationship and how I subsequently feared the consequences of initiating a
separation/divorce once I realised that this wont bring me happiness ahead. The
purpose of this book is to let women feel comforted by the thought that just
incase they have similar situations but fear uncertainty, this was how my
journey panned out. While it was painful and depressing initially, I did
overcome it and it is possible to find happiness by everyone again. I would
like all those women who feel hopelessness, despair and no reason to go on - to
find solace in the thought of
re-starting their lives. The focus of the book is to highlight the social
stigmas in our society, families influence & personal dilemmas and how it
often becomes deterrent for seeking a step towards finding the lives we all
deserve. Marital failure is a sheer regressive taboo and should not be given
more importance than required. This book highly advocates the fact that a
separation or a divorce is not a woman’s identity - it is just a mistake &
life needs to continue!
3. How easy or difficult was writing this book as it’s based on your
own experiences?
It wasn't easy as there were lots of moments
where I had to revisit and go back to relive the painful times. Most memories
that were buried deep, had to be remembered and articulated rightly. Often I
felt anger and deep pangs of pain which came from all that I had to revive in
my head. Had to separate my own personal issues and be non-judgemental while
explaining what was the purpose of this book with complete clarity. The story
was largely mine but several other relationships were observed, so I could get
a wider perspective on what a woman goes through in depth. I came to realise
that despite varied reasons, the primary dilemma in most women’s head and
subsequent societal stigma were largely similar. It was not a great feeling to
realise that, having experienced it first-hand. But the satisfaction I feel
now, knowing I survived it all and perhaps many others would also find their
grounds, is amazing to say the least.
4. How do you think will
this book help the Indian women and girls?
Indian women & girls need to be vigilant
about their own happiness more than ever before! They need to be a bit selfish
and think about their own lives more practically now. We need to talk about topics like these more
often and educate our children about how to differentiate between bad and worse
in relationships. Abuse, violence, trauma etc needs to be identified in time
and our daughters should know that they should not loathing in self-pity &
despair. Not make kids/family shame/financial instability an excuse instead not
fear society by striving for self-esteem & respect.
The purpose of this book largely is to make
countless young girls and women aware about my journey and few other of those
observed around me. There are lots of mistakes I made, signs I ignored and
learnings that I overlooked. Indian women need to understand that they are as
important as the men in the relationship. There has to be undisputed equality
on all matters for both the man & the woman. Our perspectives need to
change now with changing times. These women need to know that should a reason
arise, they have a choice that they can make and re-attempt getting their lives
no matter the situation. There is NO reason to feel suffocated and live on like
Indian women have been since centuries. Crudely put - no relationship or shame
is worth your life & self-respect!
5. How difficult was getting
this book published as it has a topic which is quite impactful
It was pretty difficult as earlier I tried
hard to go the conventional way of finding a publishing house that would accept
my draft. I did approach many leading ones however all turned it down citing
some or the other reason. Few didn't do self-help genre and others wanted me to
turn it into some masala fiction but I wanted the narrative to remain as is and
decided to self-publish this. I am glad it is impactful as someone has to
question these relevant topics. Women are not the quieter sex, they just are
ones with more endurance however, when the line is breached, we need to take
matters in our own hands and go against these regressive stigmas. For the
longest time, women stayed in bad marriages due to varied reasons to prove that we could make relationships
last no matter the price we paid, but I see no reason why this should continue
ahead.
6. Do you think that
Marriage as an Institution shall survive in India after a decade or so?
It might survive in the eyes of the society
but it already is dying in the minds of many. Most marriages feel like total
pity, which have eroded the essence of monogamy
& commitments altogether. Wives don't know what their husbands are
doing or thinking and men are oblivious to the real needs of their own
partners. However, both continue putting best pretentious faces for the sake of
the society, family and kids. It is rare to find real relationships now where
both want to really make each other happy. Abuse is rampant as frustrations
grow and both feel trapped. What is the point of all of this? Why cant one
focus on being happy than on remaining married? As mentioned in my book, maybe
an annual contract or larger acceptance to live-ins would be the turning curve
ahead. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of being married even now, but my
point is it should work for you, else know it that you have a way out. There
isn't any reason to end life or live a robotic life ahead.
7. What is your view on Indian parents in terms of Marriage as many
youngsters now doesn’t want to get married but get into the bond due to family
pressure and later on, face consequences of the same?
There is an entire chapter dedicated to this
unnecessary pressure in my book. Parents need to understand that this isn't the
question of their upbringing, culture or how well they know their child. When
one is cornered, even a saint would react, so why get into that forced
situation? You have educated your child, bought him/her up with so much love
& care, why push them into complications of a marriage which they have to
drag life-long just because you want to see them ‘settled’? Let them be free to
make their choices and mistakes. Be there for them but please don't live their
lives for them. Guide them by all means but don't think you can decide if they
can pull a relationship ahead all their lives.
If they can choose a wrong career, they can also make a mistake of
choosing a wrong partner. If so, just support them but dont make such big deal
about it that they fear their decisions. So, yes I am strongly against the
idea.
8. Tell us something about
the work that you do as we found some great content on your Instagram page.
I am a destination wedding planner &
stylist and run a company called Foreign Wedding Planners since last 12 years
now. You can view my work on foreignweddingplanners.in on Instagram. My passion-turned-profession is
a symbol of my strength and perseverance and I absolutely love it. It was the
biggest reason which helped me regain my financial stability when I had to move
out. Ironically I create happy memories for all those who want to celebrate
love. Initially I was worried about my own doomed marital life, considering I
was a wedding planner myself, but later I realised that there is a huge
difference in marriages and weddings! While, I take care of the latter, the
former is highly personal and subjective. To each his own.
9. Tell us something about your next book?
Haven't planned ahead yet but do want to
explore the complications which is faced between a couple. There are so many
shades of grey that need to be understood and talked about which stems from
centuries of conditioning for either sexes apart from the genetic compounding
which at most times doesn't help. Basically, I want to write about the
difference between a man and woman as individuals and then as ones who want to
co-exist in an harmonious relationship. As of now in my head, this seems like
an oxymoron for majority. :)
10. In the end, what is your message for Indian husbands and wives?
Look around you!
‘During this lockdown, domestic abuse in India
has doubled.’- Outlook (7th April 2020).
There is a reason for this! Stifling,
suffocating relationships where couples hid behind mundane everyday routines
& professional commitments suddenly vanished. Having long lost the love and
respect for each other, they now find it difficult to live under the same roof
and co-exist. This is a blatant proof that there are many families like yours
and mine, who might appear happy on surface but internally the women are
suffering miserably. They think they are being brave by enduring abuse but
someday they would crumble. Their entire lives would pass by and they would
never know what they could have opted for instead.
Marriage or a relationship is not only a
celebration of a strong passion, love and desire that you first feel for each
other. That is just the initial & less-lasting part. It is more of the
understanding of the differences you share, the habits you dislike and all the
reasons which you eventually realise and know you would not ideally want in
your partners. It is about the emotions you then have to contribute keeping in
mind that let the reason be both your happiness rather than just your own. I
have always advocated that the strength of a relationship isn't how you love
each other but more of how you fight & makeup.
Both men and women should get into a
commitment with an absolute clear understanding that equality in all aspects
will be maintained at all times and both parties are entitled to mental,
physical and emotional happiness. If not, end it gracefully rather than make it
torturous and dragging the corpse. Mistakes happen but then either sort it out
or move on - there is NO middle ground without repercussions and a possible
vicious cycle.
