Who controls Human Being- God, Planets or He, himself?

812th BLOG POST -->>

             It becomes harder. Sometimes much tougher. Life is not always a bed of roses. It is as much a path of thorns. I do find my life very easy and smooth because I don't let external factors effect it. I am content the way I am and how I deal with things. I have never raised my voice against anyone in last 3 years. I have been quiet. I have tried to be calmer. I have always solved every kind of problem that has come in my way with such patience that I myself can't believe sometimes that I have been able to control things so easily. If one gets the power of self-control, he gets the power of being happy unconditionally. I don't need any appropriate conditions to enjoy life. I start enjoying it in any submersion I am in. Even if I am not happy within because of some tension or nervousness, I don't let it come on my face when I am talking to my classmates or anyone else. 

               But currently, I am out of my mind. I feel as if I need to boycott mobile in any case. I want to cut myself from world. I feel like ignoring everyone who is around me. I don't want any interference. I want to cry a lot. Reason: Because I feel that I have invited myself in the lives of those who never consider me worthy enough to speak or meet or whatever. I feel that I have achieved nothing from all these days while I was thinking that I am doing well (Well, this I am not talking related to Blog or anything that I do in this field. It's kind of personal). I got 5 calls in the evening by various friends but I chose to not pick them up. I got many messages on Whatsapp but I didn't reply to them. Even on Facebook, I didn't talk to my favorite readers. I chose to sleep in the evening than face more adversities. I am broken. I don't know why. Actually I know but I don't know the solution of the problem. I will face it and this will continue until I don't make myself more tougher. But I ask God, how much tough you want me to be? And God has no answer, I know.

             Today, in spite of being a Monday and not Thursday, I went to Sai Mandir where I always go whenever I achieve something. I never go to ask him for anything. He has given me a life that is not ordinary but something above it. What more should I ask the Almighty? But today I went to ask for peace. Today I went to shed few tears and tell God that I am getting into a zone that I never want to. What I got back was nothing but more tears. I don't know whether I will be able to find my real self in these hard moments but I am trying to explore it each minute. It's something yet crazy about me. When I am in dilemma or doubt, my mind works faster to find ways of ignoring it and concentrating on the diluted parts of life. But something within me has died in last two days. A part that felt a ruler has died. A part that felt has a power to make anyone smile, to stop anyone's tears and to pull anyone out of the problem has died. What lives now is the only part that reads, writes and explores. 

              Out of all this, I saw the number of stones and gems in my fingers and thought,"What's the purpose of this in life?" What I know related to them is that the "stars" of a person is not in proper places because of which he/she loses the balance in life. By attaining stones and gems, one gets the life of desire back and in a better condition. It is said that the "star" controls the activities of a human. Some says that God has already written a proper script for us. While some practical theorists believe that there's no controlling power and human is mere responsible person of what he does in private and public. I don't know how to judge people once I fall into this debate as to which of this conclusion is attested. If someone slaps me, will his star be held responsible for it or God wanted him to slap me or he did it without any other factors affecting his thought process?

            I am confused. Whom to blame and for what. Is the person really responsible or that is how the script has been written? This question will keep on confusing me till my death because I don't think any religion or priests know the answer to this. Everyone of us have our own versions to tell. Some says that situation demands. But I feel that the person who can act calmly in an usual manner even in the worst situation is a proper human being. Who gets carried away by situations is someone who is not sure about his/her targets, goals, ambition, mission, vision, determination, destination etc. And one who is unsure about life is living what? God knows. Sometimes, I think that I deserve a specific treatment. That has to come. And it comes through the people I love the most. Fine, let it come. But then, why do I feel bad about it? Why then do I cry? If God lets it happen, he should also make me happy after the damage that is done to me? He should make me stronger. Why does he pisses my life off? Not only mood!

              It's hard to analyze the control of human beings in some basic circumstances. I am one of such confusing personalities. I, sometimes, feel that I do what I should not and I don't even have an idea what I really should do. There's no one to help me as everyone around me needs my help. I want someone to help me now. I'm stuck. I am deciding to cut myself away from all. Actually, I have started doing it. Today itself I deleted Whatsapp for a time being but downloaded it back but it could have been a permanent decision at that moment. And when I decide something, no one asks me anything. They have to adjust themselves to my foolishness. I don't want others to change themselves for me. Actually there is no one I think who really cares about what I feel. What everyone currently wants from me is a new blog post, a novel and a celebrity status in life. Bas! What I feel as a human being is left as the concern of only me. And when it's on me, I, as a human being, wants to stay alone now. As a Writer/Blogger, yes, I will talk. I am not arrogant or proud of that position. I am okay with it. I will not cut off as a Writer because I want my readers or the people who expect from me to keep expecting good write-ups. Just in real life, I think no one needs me (excluding parents).

             I know you all must have felt little awkward reading this post. You would not have even understood the whole post. But did I even try to make this post understandable? No. Because today I am talking to myself on this medium. On personal diary, the detailed version will be written in next 10 minutes but here I, at least, wanted to knock myself and ask,"Are you the Real Abhilash alive or one of pretense?" And the answer comes that a part within me has died, as I said above. No problem. At least, I am still alive. That part will also come back soon. Till then, I think I am going to live a life of recluse for a while. Self-realization is more important for now. Let me come to a conclusion how I have to deal with myself in future. Let me get confirmed as to what is controlling me- stars, God or me, myself. If its me, I will be fine. But if its not me, I am getting into a very wrong space. God Save Me!!!

 Thanks.

 ABHILASH RUHELA - VEERU!!!