Ignition, Spark & Extroversion shouldn't be quieten!!!

712th BLOG POST -->>

         Last evening, I attended the Dandiya Night of my college. This was a first experience when I attended a Dandiya function that had nothing to do with the society where I live. I asked all my friends to not to insist me for dancing if they want me to attend the function. They agreed. But as soon as I entered the ground and I saw my classmates dancing, specially the ones who were not capable of performing Garba with the grace that it needs, it gave me a confidence to join the group. And surprisingly, I was part of the group throughout the event. I kept the awkwardness away that my friends suffer because of my unusual attitude on such events. I don't know why but I have become kind of introvert these days. It is lack of confidence, morale, self-belief and motivation. I remember the days of my school when we used to have Dandiya on alternate days of Navratri in our colony. I once bagged the prize of Best Male Dandiya Dancer. I was so confident then. That day, I danced with all the boys, girls, uncle, aunt, children, friends etc. I didn't shy away. Since 3 years that I have shifted to Mumbai, I have cut off myself from any event of this kind. Right below my nose, my society's residents keep on playing Garba/Dandiya but I end up watching them from window. I don't have guts to get down in the same dressing, confidence and dance freely like them. And this lack of socialism has made me such introvert that I have lost my real self somewhere. 

            I remember the Fresher Party that I attended 2 months ago. Everyone was dancing with enthusiasm and zeal while I was out of the hall away from the dance floor. That will remain as the most important day for all my classmates as many of them got interacted for the first time. I missed out the fun. Even when the competition was on, I felt as if I'm the biggest loser in the audience. I don't know why. Even when my senior specially mentioned my name and called me up on the stage, I lacked confidence of introducing myself to the people. I don't like mentioning my Blog. Hence, I didn't find anything in myself after removing this word from my introduction. The host was shocked to see that a performing senior recommended my name to be called on the stage and I turned out to be the most boring and undramatic. Even I felt like slapping myself. The competition was too easy for me, if I would have participated, I know, I would have end up at least being one of the last two destined to win. I went into the flashback of the Fresher Party that I attended in Graduation. That day, I performed almost everything that I could have. I decided to keep all my pain, depression and lowness away. I made it sure that Win or Loss, but I will perform. And that made me the Winner on the day. I returned home with the prize and Mr. Fresher's Band. 

              Then, I had ignition. Ignition to prove. Ignition to perform. Ignition to get associated with what people are. Ignition to showcase the talent. Ignition of being a part. I wanted to tell my parents that their child is back from depression. I wanted to let the new people around me know that I am not just another guy. I am a performer. But now, the things have changed. I have lost that spark- The ignition. Now I don't feel like proving myself. Now I don't like to be identified. Now I don't have anything to prove myself with. I am content. I have learned that until and unless I am not satisfied with myself, I can't stay happy. Hence, I isolate myself from others and enjoy their performances rather than performing myself. Though the ABHILASH in me asks to dance as I used to in my school days and Graduation's fresher party but I have to ask him to shut up so that a new loser in me comes into a display. What I feel is that "This part of my personality is the lull before a storm". And hence I am allowing myself to get into the zone of losers. 

             As I said that I participated in the Dandiya night last evening. This, I think is bringing me back into the state that will again place me in the superior category of performers. The way I used to be. Excel in every field except sports. :-) I am waiting for the day when my name will get its definition back. I don't like this part of my personality but after every 3-4 years, I face it. I am facing it now. But I would return back by the provenance of 2013. And I am sure that next year is going to be a better year for me as every year since 2009 has been a better than the last one. This Blog thing will always be consistent, I know. But the extroversion that I am used to shall come back. I love to inspire and motivate people around me, either through my irritating motivational lectures or my mischief.  And I know, my nasty and naughty behaviour is something that makes people around me join the event of which I am a part. I am waiting for the same Ignition to lighten up again. It has been a long time since I am pouring water on the spark that is trying to prevail all and turn into a huge bonfire. God, let's work on dragging me back to the spot that defines me the way I am. Let's throw this introversion away. Deal Finalized! :-)

 Thanks.

 ABHILASH RUHELA - VEERU