You Will Always Remain In My HEART !!!

           425th BLOG -->>

Chachaji in his Air-Force uniform with daughter

        Last month, I wrote a blog post as an autobiography of a man who lost his wife and daughter. While I was writing it, I was facing some problems while describing the feeling of a man who have lost someone closer. I never had any experience when I lost someone very close to me. It happened some 3.5 years ago when my grandpa expired due to kidney failure and old age. All of us already knew that grandpa can die anytime as he was admitted in hospital from many months and even doctor said that he can breathe his last anytime. After that post, I wrote a post - What if I die tomorrow morning? Everyone praised that post too. My father read both the posts and he was happy to read my thoughts. On 2nd July, everything was fine. I came to know that my result is out and I reached college with my friend Yusuf to see my result. With the grace of God, I cleared in all the subjects and climbed to the 3rd year of graduation successfully. I and Yusuf went to visit Central Park, Kharghar in the evening as we were free and we had a flying heart which was vociferating that we are free to enjoy today. After visiting and celebrating for the whole day, I got a call from my mother while returning when she said,"Come home fast. Dinesh chachaji is no more. We will have to depart for Punjab tonight itself." I went numb after listening to what my mother said. And my recent posts came in my mind where only death and dying was attracting my mind.

With Tannu and Debu

               There were only two people in the whole family who talked with me in English right from my childhood. It was my Grandpa and my Chachaji. They didn't do this with any of my cousin except me. I don't know why they selected me for this extra-ordinary activity where they conversed with me in English even when our mother-tongue is Pure Hindi language. Whenever I used to come to know that Chachaji ka phone aaya hai, I used to run and wait when my father/mother will pass on the cell to me so that I can talk to him. I don't remember any of my birthday when my Chachaji didn't called and wished me. No relative of mine even remember my birthday but my chachaji did. He always had a faith on me that Veeru will do something big and different. I don't know what made him think like that but he did. I loved him so much. I was angry on him after my 12th std result was announced as he didn't called and inquired about my result. I was unhappy that how can he forget that I was in 12th std and I gave my board exams. None of my relatives called me but I was angry only on him because I had such connection with him. He understood me and my attitude and I always understood him. I would not have met him more than 60 days in my 22 years of life but still I loved him so much. At last, he even said Sorry to me for forgetting that I gave my 12th exams.

With Tannu. She is so pretty.

               From the minute I have heard about his expiry, I am in depression and sorrow. I am unable to concentrate on anything. I am disliking everything and I am disagreeing on every topic. I have lost the interest in doing anything. I have only one thing to do and that is to think about how can he die, how can he leave all of us behind, how will my chachiji survive, how will my cousins build their future. I haven't written a blog after that, I haven't read a newspaper after that, I haven't heard any of the lectures in college nicely, I haven't eaten happily, I haven't slept properly. In short, I have lost my interest from all the excitements of life. My chachaji was in Air Force and he was smartest of all the brothers. He was the most active one. I never knew that he was so passionate until I went to Punjab after his expiry. I saw the walls with great thoughts pasted on them. He even pasted 10 Dreams of his life with deadline where he completed almost everyone of them and the ones which he didn't was about to be accomplished in few years. They got delayed because my father compelled him to become an engineer which made him to concentrate on studies rather than those dreams. He was the first amongst his brothers to purchase a car. He already purchased a house in Indore. He was living a well-settled life. Chachaji has two kids - Tannu who is 9 years old now and Debu who is 6 years old now. The smartness of my sister Tannu is the example of the type of father he was. At the age of 9, Tannu talks so smartly and so mature that anyone who talk to her gets surprised.

Tannu

              I was sitting with Tannu at 9 o clock one night when she asked me,"Bhaiyya, there are no stars in the sky, papa has not even turned into a star so that he can watch us from there." After hearing this from her, I started crying and I tried to tell her that her father is not dead, he is alive and he will come back if she will do something great in life but she refused my fake talks by saying that I know where my father is. She said,"My father is with God and he will never come back. I was in Jhansi and I was counting the days that were left to stay there as I wanted to meet Daddy. But when I came here after 1 month, Daddy met me only once and that was for the last time. He didn't even said anything. He was dead and he was lying. I always walked with my dad on the roads of our Air Force colony campus. He was the one who taught me everything. He was the one who would massage my body when it used to pain after playing. He was the one whom I loved the most. And he was the only one who loved me the most. I'll surely bring 99% in my coming exams as I promised him that I'll score those marks." After she stopped, I kept looking at her face. A girl of 9 years old who lost her father 4 days back had so much love for him that she wants to fulfill all the dreams she had regarding him or promised to him. 

Chachiji with Tannu and Debu

             My chachiji is holding a Master Degree in Mathematics or Chemistry. She acted as a housewife till now but I hope she will start working soon and act as a Father to both of these kids. I want my cousins to grow up as successful personalities. I don't know about anyone else but if I will earn a decent amount, I'll surely help my cousins to get a proper education. They can eat less for once, it will do but I don't want them to have a bad future. They should grow up to be the smartest person ever seen by anyone. I am damn confident about Tannu. For Debu, I can say nothing as he is just 6 years old and you can't judge a small sweet child of 6 years old. My Chachaji used to study Science and Mathematics's book even at the age of 36 and I hope this passion of studying and reading gets developed in my cousins too. I remember the day when I was about to leave Jalandhar, Tannu came and sat besides me and said,"Bhaiyya, ab aap bhi chale jaaoge?" And that gave me such a sad feeling that I didn't replied to her curious question, I kissed her and picked up my bag, met all the relatives and left the house looking at her face. The absence of Chachaji will always be felt because he was the most ambitious person of the family. He was the one who always took initiative of the things which no brother took. He was the youngest of them all but still he used to talk like a grown up with his elder brothers. 

Tannu, I'm always with you

               I went to Haridwar for submerging the Asthiyaan of Chachaji in Ganga River. After I did it and dived in Ganga River, my heart suddenly responded like a heart of a child which has no bad feeling, revenging attitude, ego and any type of harshness in heart. I was feeling as a good human being after that. When my Chachaji talked to me for the second last time, he requested me to stop all kinds of hot and cold war with my elder cousins and I said to him that yes I'll do but I never tried to do what he requested me to. But after bathing in Ganga, first thing with which I came out of the river was that I'll fulfill his request and I'll say Sorry to my cousins even when I don't think that I ever did anything bad to them till I had relation with them. I wanted to do it just for my Chachaji as he wanted me to be nice to everyone. He said to me on phone that beta tu har cheez me aagey hain aur bahut atcha hai, is ek cheez me kyun apna naam kharaab kar raha hai k bhai-beheno k saath pyaar se nahi reh sakta, tu hi aagey badh jaa agar upar waale badappan nahi dikha rahe hain toh. I am sad that I didn't did this till he was alive but I did it last week. Now, I am in talking terms with both the cousins. No harsh feeling left for anyone. 

With both his children, we will miss u

              When he talked to me for the last time, he was very curious to know about my Blogs and my writings after he came to know from somebody that my Blog is read by Amitabh Bachchan and Chetan Bhagat. I told him about how I started, how a blog works and how I have gained a name in this field. He told me to send some of my good works on his E-mail ID. I told him that I'll send him. But I never did because I had a plan to hand him my published novel directly than my blogs. Now, I couldn't forgive myself for not fulfilling both his requests he did in the last two conversations with me. Now, Dinesh chacha is no more. I have no relative left whom I love as my own family member. Now I don't have any relative who'll call me on my birthdays and wish me. Now I don't have any relative on whose birthday I'll call and wish. Yes, even I wished Chacha his birthday from my childhood itself. Everyone said that I looked like him, now I look like no one because he is not with us. I am depressed and I hope I'll recover from this loss as soon as possible. Chachaji, I don't know about anyone else but you will always remain in MY HEART and I just can't pass a single day without remembering you and I promise you that if God will give me the strength and money in future, I am going to build Tannu and Debu in the kind of person you always wanted to make them. I hope you are watching me from the sky and you are sending your love and wishes to me. I hope my tears will stop soon and I'll start working on courageously and pragmatically with great force. 

              I can't speak more and seriously speaking I don't even have words to say. It is easy for me to write autobiographies of a father or a son who has lost their son or a father respectively but when it happened with me, I have no words to state my feelings to everyone. Sorry.

             ABHILASH RUHELA - VEERU